An Uncertain Path
Ever since I was young, I loved drawing and learning new art mediums. My childhood dream was to become a mangaka. Naruto, Bleach, One Piece, Hitman Reborn… I wanted to be like the authors. I wanted to build and create a world and show it to everyone.
However, people told me I couldn’t… I shouldn’t…
So, I didn’t pursue it. I let all those comments weigh me down…
And… I didn’t even bother to apply to an art school and went to a school I didn’t like. I put my dreams in the back of my mind.
And I hated it.
Hatred
A part of me resented everyone who told me I couldn’t do it. But most of all, I hated myself… loathed myself for being influenced by them and not believing in myself. Jealousy fills my heart when I look at social media and see people pursuing what I wanted. I even distanced myself from some of my friends because they were pursuing art.Â
But I told myself, manipulated myself to think I made the right decision. That I will come on top and I will be happy. I will be the one laughing at the end.
But I hated what I was studying with a passion. It was as if there was a mental barrier reflecting all information regarding my subject. I had to re-study everything repeatedly every time an exam came up. So I did the barest minimum. I didn’t care much about grades… If I got a C welp… who cares? My life is already in the dumps. It wouldn’t affect me that much.Â
Regrets Flooding in
After a few years, it was as if the dam broke, and I couldn’t breathe. My dreams and regrets started to float back into my consciousness. All the things I put in the back of my mind surfaced. And I couldn’t help but realize that there are people…Â
people who have stars in their eyes… who are beginning their own stories… who are brave enough to explore their path to the bright unknown…Â
And me?
I’m already halfway into my story…Time wasted… Blaming people… Â
It was as if something was stuck in my throat…Â I couldn’t breathe…
And I couldn’t help but look back and wonder:Â
Do I have any regrets? Did I try my best in my life?
No.
No amount of jumping through hoops in my mind could make me convince myself that I gave it my all. All I did was yearn and look at others with jealousy. All I did was resent the people who influenced me. I could have studied more about art, color theory, or anything. I could have spent the time playing games or scrolling through YouTube to improve my craft.Â
No matter how much I tried to twist it, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I had tried my best.
Realization
I shouldn’t have blamed or cared what anyone says. I understand some people said those things because they care about me, while others said them to hurt me.
At the end of the day, this is my life. I shouldn’t have let myself overthink, shouldn’t let people influence me, and shouldn’t have allowed my dream to fester so much… Time doesn’t stop for anyone. So, I plan to resolve this.Â
I can’t go back in time and fix it. But what I can do is keep going forward.Â
I plan on walking this uncertain path.Â
Let me jump into the unknown void of the future. Screw it. I’ll put everything into this.
Will I regret pursuing this webcomic and going toward this uncertain path?Â
Maybe? I don’t know. We shall see. But at least I can say for sure it’s my decision. No one influenced this decision but me. And even if I fail, I can tell myself I’ve tried (something I couldn’t tell myself when I was younger…)
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